One's Secret E5

Episode five

The Secret of the One

   "I needed to do something... I just can't risk with her losing her friend... She will need someone..."
This heals hurt my feet, but I need to keep an elegant walk. Just keep your head up.
-So Aria! - I smiled creating a diversion for my pain. - What do we own the pleasure for your visit?
-You know Mrs. Henderson, I actually wasn't supposed to be here..
   Her expression was serious and she looked at her feet like she was counting the steps. Perhaps Luna did something... She have always been a lonely person, and her relations with others showed to be seriously hard to keep. She continued.
-I was supposed to go out with your daughter but she didn't came so I called her and since she didn't answer I came here. Although I highly regret it.
-Well dear... Don't mind some things she says. I know she's a hard person, she closes her self to others, but I'm really glad you're her friend.
   I stop moving and she imitates me. When I face her putting my self in front of her, she looks me in the eyes. They're plane, with a common brown color. But they're big obligating you go stare them, searching for emotions.
-Look Aria. I'm going to ask this has a mother. Please don't give up this friendship. I know she seems in some how strong and confident with her sarcasm but even if she doesn't know or admit to her self, she needs a friend. She needs you.
   Her eyes are wide open as mine are, like if what I said contradicted what she was feeling, and I knew it.
-Anyway... - I lift my hand of her shoulder and stand straight breathing in. - Let's eat something, shall we? - She follows my smile and the tension before marked in her face disappears.
   We eat in silent, but I can see she's thinking in my words. Once in a while she makes a light smile that I return. This gives me some time to think to.
   I should have a glass of wine right now. I should be looking at the sky, or hearing the rain. Thinking about my daughter... my husband... Husband. I stop a cruel laugh in my throat. He redefined that word a long time ago. Has he changed, so did we. His concern with the media, with his social life, with him self... "I just can't concern about everything, dear!"... because I became a concern to him. I became a distraction. They said that while he didn't cheated on my, I was the happiest woman on hearth. And I didn't know what they meant about happiness. I don't recognize that word. So I transformed him in a necessity to protect my secret. Because changing names and country isn't always enough. And I needed him. And he needed me.
   He was also a distraction. Not to me, because I ignore him, but to her. I need to protect my daughter. I need to control her worries.
      I need to protect her dreams.

One's Secret E4

Episode four

Time to be

   I jump and lay down on my bed. It seems the white painted walls are following my thoughts. They're blank, plane, mindless. Asking to be consumed, filled with something. I dodn't even know if my thoughts are worth of this walls, worth of their silence and comprehension. But my mind is stubern and my voice floats trough the air, touching every inch of the white cold paint. I let my self go. Close my eyes. I feel the smooth breeze dancing in my skin. Overwhelmed by the emptiness of the everything, I feel calm. Safe. True. I stop my self from falling asleep so I can enjoy the moment of complete plenitude. 

   Like a cut, rough, ruthless, noisy. My phone rings. A gasp escapes from my throat and I follow the noise to my desk. 

"Hi"

"Hey Luna! What's up?"

Her happy loud voice entered like a shock in my ears. I tremble.

"Nothing" I feel my throat dry, as my words are, but I can't help it.

"Oh, so it's one of those days, han?"

"What do you mean by that?" 

"You're in the Zone", she giggled.

"The Zone? Look Aria, I'm actually not in the mood right now."

"I can see that, but as your only friend I think you should appreciate a little more my call, right?" Her laughters filled my room and my eyes rolled.

"What makes you think your my only friend?"

"And the best one to actually! I mean... Is anyone else calling you? I guess not"

I repressed the irony and ignored it.

"The best! So, why did you call?" 

"That's better! Well, today you're going out with me, of course!"

Of course? What did she ment with that?...

"Wait, what?!"

"Not asking! Put something cute on, 'cause if you don't you'll be on your panties in the next fashion magazine. I'm there in 10. Bye!"

Can't believe it. I'm not even in the mood to argue with her. The fresh air may clean my thoughts at least.

   I'll just bear with her wish to go out. Wasn't even necessary for her to say that this is another attempt to meet some guys and try to hook me up with one of them.

   She just doesn't need to.

One's Secret E3

Episode Three

Reveling Anything

   As long as I remembered, everything around me shouted shallow, mistery and mindless. I was surrounded by humanity.

   When I was young, like every other child, the princesses and all the tales about them amazed me. For hours I read storys of kindness, beauty, hope and simplicity. I saw the movies about them and watched every step and worth of them imitating with the hope of becoming such fearless and kind princess like them. I believed. I believed they were real. I dreamed with this trifling amount kindness, beauty, hope and simplicity that was to others, actually existed and these people would overwhelm my heart with their substantial that I wanted to follow.

   "If you stay kind, and simple, and if you continue to believe in kindness and hope even after seeing the world, your heart will always remain alive"

   My mother was my princess. But the dreams end, the words become meaningless, and the heart gets corrupted, and finally... people just Change. The hero I had in times, become addicted to be him self. To be recognized. To be someone worth of the name, He said once. Even if the way to do it was actually worthless, and the result grievous, and the path lonely, he followed it, without looking back, without a second thought. All for the Humanity recognition. Worthless.

   I don't know what I've become. Careless maybe. Kind? True? Simple? I wish I was a child. The thought came to me like a lightning. A child. With everything even when it has nothing. Hope and dreams. I wanted to be what I expected. I wanted to be a good person. But I wasn't unhappy with my self. I just felt, empty.

   I never realized I was standing face to a wall of my bedroom. I focused on it wile regaining consciousness of what surrounded me. The door was opened, and my mother watched me with a placid emotionless face. In a thoughless move, I slowly shut the door.

   All my life I shuted my self from others. I never felt the need to share my thoughts though everyone wanted to know. My family fame was mine to, and isn't with hapiness I say this. All the attention is useless to me. And all I know is that sometimes is in the dark when I feel less lonely.

One's Secret E2

Episode Two 

Family affairs

   I slide to the hall and let my feet take me to the kitchen. My mother watches me enter with something that looks like an hidden smile in her face that I spot from the corner of my eye, and then changes her attention back to the bowl of tea she was making. I sat on the table next to my father with my plate of pancakes.

- It's great Beatrice. It's really good! - I said tasting the delicious flavor that the combination of hot pankakes and the cold caramel gave me.

- Thank you mam. - Said Beatrice, keeping her eyes down nodding.

   My smile faded when I hearded that word, "mam". Concentrating again on the food, I heard my father whisper his reading and I knew he was about to talk. I got tense, but if I just kept my mouth shut and my eyes on the food maybe he won't realize I'm there.

- This is incredible! I'm the only person who actually dressed right in that bloody party, and the only thing they say about me is "Mr. and Mrs. Henderson were the couple of the night. Starting with the luxury from Mrs. Henderson's red dress that exuded charm and wealth. Mr. Hnderson were a black fashionable smoking which contrasted with the beautiful Christina Henderson garment."
He gasped and a wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows.
- One struggles to be distinguished and, even if succeeded, it's not even mentioned. In this days we need to be very careful Christina. If we're not constantly mentioned, our names won't stand out and we'll be forgotten. And we certainly can not afford that.
   I stop myself from rolling my eyes and take another bite of pancake in order to avoid another temptation. At the corner of my eyes I see my mother slightly pressuring her cup of tea and make a forced smile.
- Then I guess that's good for us that my name was actually mencioned in a very positive way, don't you think honey? - I stoped a laugh and then I felt my face red. My father was staring at me with an harsh expression but he quickly ignored me and stared at Christina with the same forced smile it was drawn on her face.
- Of course Christina, but don't you think they just... should give the spot light to someone more... Important?
- You mean You?
- Yes. I mean me of course. I'm the founder of Hendersone Experiences Industry, and they just mencion my presence.
- Well, it sure is outrageous. At least they mencion how "fashionable" was your suit.
She din't even looked at him. just turn around and walked away. For what I could see, she had a tense although derteminate look.
   I got up and washed my dishes. When I was about to leave the room, my father asserted.
- Don't ever again do Beatrice's work. (He looked calm and assertive, and his expression was concentrated).
- Wa...
- You made your bed and did the dishes. You continue to disobey my orders. Won't happen again.
I felt a shiver and my body got tense. Shouldn't I be the one who's supposed to apologize and say "Won't happen again"? I just imitated my mom, turned around and walked away.

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One's Secret E1

Episode One

Common Intruduction to the Self 

    The room looked white and colorless, and the light coming from the open window blinded my eyes, making everything come dim. I blinked a few times to focus my vision on the shape that slid the curtains, and my mother appeared. Her smile was joined by the shape of her face and then gradually everything gained shape and color. She kisses my forehead, "Good, you're awake... Your father and I are waiting for you in the kitchen for breakfast. Don't take too long honey!", she says with her smile fading while she walks to the kitchen and closes the door behind her. I sigh and get of the bed. As soon as my naked feets touch the cold floor I shiver, and try to obligate my eyes to accept the light.
      While I'm seated on the bed, the landscape that I can absorb from the window in front overwhelms me. Is the typical scenery that makes you believe that it will be a good day. I stand up. I drag myself to the mirror and check my face. My eyes are half-open, my skin is white as usual, and the color of my lips is washed-out from the sleep. I form an ironic smile on them as I look at my sick appearance thinking about the way my father would react if he saw me this way. "Luna, you look like a zombie... Didn't I always told you that our image is the first thing other people see on us? If it is the most important for them, it should be the most important for you too.". I grin looking down, imagining him saying that, with his voice full of self-pride and his eyes concentrated on the paper he's reading, without even giving me the satisfaction of looking to me one more time. My hands close into fists and a vein gets protruding.I close my eyes and calm my-self down. Although there's not much anger to feel bout it, my face gain colour just by thinking about it... His over-pride in the most shallow things makes me realize how different me and my father are. Either way, this kind of characteristics of him really get into my nerves. After a quick shower and my bed made, I walk towards the door and hold my hand on the knob for a seconds and breath in my last minutes of peace and quiet of the day.
   "Open the door and leave".

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Thoughts

   Well.. The boring part is here. If you don't care about feelings and stuf, just skip this! I must say, was needed some courage for me to be able to write this.. I mean, most of you probably won't even read this or woul just ignore it, but either way, this is not for you. This is my way to say what I need to say to my self without seem crazy. This way, I really can face my self.
   Moving On...

   Recently I rewatched the two first films from Divergent Trilogy (Divergent and Insurgent), and that kinda made me think about my place in my own life ( I know that this doesn't make mutch sense..). I mean... In their "world", they're organized by factions: Abnegation, Candor, Amity, Erudite and Dauntless. Each person as specific characteristics according to the faction they belong in: Selfless (Abnegation); Fearless (Dauntless); Honest (Candor); Peacefull (Amity) and Intelligent (Erudite). Although, there's Divergents that belong to more than one faction.
   To me, Divergents are just the regular people of today, having more than one of this traits in their personality. In this course of thoughts, I started to think about my personality and the way I present it to people... And felt so mixed up... because I feel Brave and Kind, but then i see myself actig with cowardice and malice, even in a soft way. Then I see my self acting with inteligence and honesty, but my sudden fear makes me lie and i just shut down... What I mean, is that sometimes, I feel the need to label my personality traits in order to undersand why do I act a certain way. Either way, sometimes, with all this contradictions about the way I am or think I am, I don't Believe MySelf. I actually don't believe I am Something. I believe I'm just to mutch of Nothing.